MV Muff Diver Ships Log: 17th September 2006

Sunday, September 17, 2006

17th September 2006

02:44: CET: Cpt.Cockinner
Quite a day yesterday, we have only just submerged and spent a great day on the surface generally getting drunk. I left Lt. Wrench in charge and have just assumed command after a quick cat nap. The weather was great, around 20C Today but it was great to get a little fresh air and sun.

06:44: CET: Cpt. Cockinner
Breakfast was interesting this morning, the Chef, Ivan Kozlovskis-Ere decided to turn up naked and cook our breakfast exposing all his hideous dangly bits. I went in to the Galley Kitchen to get an explaination, Ivan then began to shout expletives in Latvian and made thrusting movements from his manhood towards me with a frozen chicken in one hand and a banana in the other. Kozlovskis-Ere was sent to his cabin until we can assertain what that little episode was about, one of the crew was under the impression he was drinking Absinthe and smoking Buster Muffinhalf's ration of weed. Hans Downapantz took cooking duties unfortunately, breakfast resembled bacon and eggs on speed.

(Breakfast: Bagon, Eggs, Beans, Bubble & Squeak, Toast and a bucket of Coffee)

11:00 CET: Cpt Cockinner:

Daily System Check

Nav systems - Off LineSonar - Serviceable
Reactor - Online, green.
Power System - Online, Green
Electro Engines - Green
Generators - Online, Green
Weapons Systems, Online - Green
Oxygen - Full, Clean & Green
Water (Drinking) - 75% Capacity
Radiation Levels (Public Areas) - Clean 0.06 R/hr
Radiation Levels (Reactor Room) - Normal 2.1 R/hr
Transmitter - Serviceable

11:35: CET: Cpt. Cockinner:

Ivan is back on kitchen duties, it seemed that the rumours we're true about the Absinthe and Weed episode. Ivan has lost drinking allowances for two days. I have assigned a member of the engineering crew to assist him in the kitchen and watch that he doesn't spit or doctor our Sunday Dinner today. If he does, I'll rip his head off and Sh*t down it his neck!!

(Lunch: Roast Chicken or Beef, Roast Spuds, Peas, Brokoli, Carrots, Gravy & Yorkshire Puds.)

12:04: CET: Cpt. Cockinner:

The continuous blowing of lightbulbs is now begining to annoy me. We've got a fucking 1.6 billion dollar sub and we can't illuminate the thing properly. Sending message via telex to get immediate replacements before I blow a fuse.

In the last 48 hours, we have blown 53 60w clear bulbs and 21 100 red bulbs.

This is becoming a serious situation as we are down to a total of 34 bulbs, at this rate we'll all be working in the dark.

16:14: CET: Cpt. Cockinner:

Systems OK, Handing control to Lt. Wrench.

18:48: CET: Cpt. Cockinner:

Tea time was quite pleasant. Most of the crew was asleep apart from Ben Dover who was setting up his Karaoke machine next door in the Urchin Bar. I could fucking kill him whilst he practices his pathetic version of 'I should be so lucky'. On the menu tonight;

(Chicken or Beef Sandwiches, Rocket Salad, Crumpets with Cheese, Stawberry Flan or Fudge Ice Cream).

Down to 22 Lightbulbs right now, hoping an emergency shipment of supplies can be shipped to us tomorrow, if not at this rate I'll end up burning Hans Downapantz purely to keep us illuminated. Hans has got a strange habit of farting and wafting it towards his nose with one hand. This is most annoying as sometimes it wafts in your direction. A swift kick in his bollocks this afternoon demonstrated that this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated.