Thursday, September 21, 2006
21st September 2006
All quiet on the surface, no ships monitoring so far. Breakfast today consists of scambled egg, bacon and mushrooms with tin tomatoes.
11:00: CET: Cpt. Cockinner
Daily Systems Check
Nav systems - On Line - OK
Sonar - Serviceable
Reactor - Online, green.
Power System - Online, Green
Electro Engines - Green
Generators - Online, Green
Weapons Systems, Online - Green
Oxygen - Full, Clean & Green
Water (Drinking) - 51% Capacity
Radiation Levels (Public Areas) - Clean 0.03 R/hr
Radiation Levels (Reactor Room) - Normal 1.6 R/hr
Transmitter - Serviceable
13:00: CET: Cpt. Cockinner
Rendezvous with supply ship. Let's see what goodies santa brings today
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
20th September 2006
04:32: CET: Cpt. CockinnerSonar - Serviceable
Reactor - Online, green.
Power System - Online, Green
Electro Engines - Green
Generators - Online, Green
Weapons Systems, Online - Green
Oxygen - Full, Clean & Green
Water (Drinking) - 58% Capacity
Radiation Levels (Public Areas) - Clean 0.05 R/hr
Radiation Levels (Reactor Room) - Normal 2.0 R/hr
Transmitter - Serviceable
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
19th September 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
18th September 2006
08:12:CET: Cpt. Cockinner
Status 'Red'
A small vessel, the Dioptric Surveyor approached us from the north east at full steam whilst we we're on the surface. My understanding of this floating wreck is that it is chartered by the British Government and used by the DTI. She kept her distance and circled like a distressed puppy when we sounded the Missile Launch Siren, but as yet no radio contact despite hailing this pathetic little bath tub on numerous occassions. We have submerged and are now tracking the Surveyors movements (would be nice to track her up the Thames submerged and blow the fuck out of her). We sent dirty underpants and soiled toilet paper to the surface around their vessel as a warm welcome. I have a feeling that this little bath tub won't be seeing the shores of little England for much longer. We need the target practice and my crew are blood thirsty.
20:29:CET: Cpt. Cockinner
Extended my watch today to keep an eye on this pesky boat, it's like a fly buzzing round you all day. We finally made radio contact with the Dioptric Surveyor and reminded them they are in international waters and we are from now on, going to 'spy' on them. I played back their conversations they we're having aboard their little dinghy on the bridge via UHF radio link which totally freaked them out. I've reminded the twats that we are monitoring their every fart and if they continue to follow us for the next 24 hr period, we would take pleasure in using their boat as a Tin Can in a bit of target practice. They have now resulted using a primative form of hand signals between each other and whispering to try and stop us monitoring them.
At 00:00 Hrs, I have scheduled an EM Pulse to zap their electronics and gameboys they have on board. At Mid-Day tomorrow, if they have not left the area, I will deploy a XMGM-52B Sea Lance thermonuclear (200 kT) Missile which quite frankly is overkill, but will make great fun watching it from a distance away. They will recieve a standard 3 minute warning.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
17th September 2006
02:44: CET: Cpt.Cockinner
Quite a day yesterday, we have only just submerged and spent a great day on the surface generally getting drunk. I left Lt. Wrench in charge and have just assumed command after a quick cat nap. The weather was great, around 20C Today but it was great to get a little fresh air and sun.
06:44: CET: Cpt. Cockinner
Breakfast was interesting this morning, the Chef, Ivan Kozlovskis-Ere decided to turn up naked and cook our breakfast exposing all his hideous dangly bits. I went in to the 
Galley Kitchen to get an explaination, Ivan then began to shout expletives in Latvian and made thrusting movements from his manhood towards me with a frozen chicken in one hand and a banana in the other. Kozlovskis-Ere was sent to his cabin until we can assertain what that little episode was about, one of the crew was under the impression he was drinking Absinthe and smoking Buster Muffinhalf's ration of weed. Hans Downapantz took cooking duties unfortunately, breakfast resembled bacon and eggs on speed.
(Breakfast: Bagon, Eggs, Beans, Bubble & Squeak, Toast and a bucket of Coffee)
11:00 CET: Cpt Cockinner:
Daily System Check
Nav systems - Off LineSonar - Serviceable
Reactor - Online, green.
Power System - Online, Green
Electro Engines - Green
Generators - Online, Green
Weapons Systems, Online - Green
Oxygen - Full, Clean & Green
Water (Drinking) - 75% Capacity
Radiation Levels (Public Areas) - Clean 0.06 R/hr
Radiation Levels (Reactor Room) - Normal 2.1 R/hr
Transmitter - Serviceable
11:35: CET: Cpt. Cockinner:
Ivan is back on kitchen duties, it seemed that the rumours we're true about the Absinthe and Weed episode. Ivan has lost drinking allowances for two days. I have assigned a member of the engineering crew to assist him in the kitchen and watch that he doesn't spit or doctor our Sunday Dinner today. If he does, I'll rip his head off and Sh*t down it his neck!!
(Lunch: Roast Chicken or Beef, Roast Spuds, Peas, Brokoli, Carrots, Gravy & Yorkshire Puds.)
12:04: CET: Cpt. Cockinner:
The continuous blowing of lightbulbs is now begining to annoy me. We've got a fucking 1.6 billion dollar sub and we can't illuminate the thing properly. Sending message via telex to get immediate replacements before I blow a fuse.
In the last 48 hours, we have blown 53 60w clear bulbs and 21 100 red bulbs.
This is becoming a serious situation as we are down to a total of 34 bulbs, at this rate we'll all be working in the dark.
16:14: CET: Cpt. Cockinner:
Systems OK, Handing control to Lt. Wrench.
18:48: CET: Cpt. Cockinner:
Tea time was quite pleasant. Most of the crew was asleep apart from Ben Dover who was setting up his Karaoke machine next door in the Urchin Bar. I could fucking kill him whilst he practices his pathetic version of 'I should be so lucky'. On the menu tonight;
(Chicken or Beef Sandwiches, Rocket Salad, Crumpets with Cheese, Stawberry Flan or Fudge Ice Cream).
Down to 22 Lightbulbs right now, hoping an emergency shipment of supplies can be shipped to us tomorrow, if not at this rate I'll end up burning Hans Downapantz purely to keep us illuminated. Hans has got a strange habit of farting and wafting it towards his nose with one hand. This is most annoying as sometimes it wafts in your direction. A swift kick in his bollocks this afternoon demonstrated that this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated.
Hand over to Lt. Wrench.
22:28: CET: Lt.Wrench:
Systems ok although unusual power surge at 22:10, engineer investigating. Seems to be operating normally at this moment in time.
All Quiet on board as most of the crew have retired for an early evening
TELEX FROM HQ: Rx'd at 22:02 hrs.
+++++MESSAGE BEGINS+++++
Attn: Cockinner
Your message recieved. Will send high speed craft tomorrow to supply following;
- 200 Light Bulb (GEC)
- 6 Crates of Grolsh
- 30 Pack of Harpic Toilet Cleaner
The rest to follow on main shipment towards mid-week
C/S: Vladilowich 1
+++++MESSAGE ENDS+++++
Friday, September 15, 2006
16th September 2006
Calm North Sea Today. The MV Muff Diver surfaces to make the most of the calm conditions and gives the crew an opportunity to get some sun on their pale faces.04:22: CET: Cpt. Cockinner.
All Systems OK. More 'kin light bulbs blowing. Even the Red emergency bulbs in the Control room blew. Dragged Chief Engineer out of bed to investigate.
11:00 CET: Cpt Cockinner:
Daily Systems Check:
Nav systems - Off Line
Sonar - Serviceable
Reactor - Online, green.
Power System - Online, Green
Electro Engines - Green
Generators - Online, Green
Weapons Systems, Online - Green
Oxygen - Full, Clean & Green
Water (Drinking) - 84% Capacity
Radiation Levels (Public Areas) - Clean 0.03 R/hr
Radiation Levels (Reactor Room) - Normal 1.8 R/hr
Transmitter - Serviceable
14:08: CET: Cpt. Cockinner
Chief Engineer reports that electrical system is 100% operational and correct. He confirms that the lightbulbs are cheap and nasty and advices that an alternative to Asda light bulbs be obtained. He also recommends long life halogen bulbs which consume less power too. Told him to fuck off as they are three quid a piece.
We will surface today to get some fresh air, conditions above are pleasant so we will take this opportunity to get some sun on our pale faces
15th September 2006
04:45 CET: Cpt Cockinner:
External diving team inspected the SFA antenna and all seemed ok. Noticed that barnacles are already making the MV Muff Divers hull home. Water Temp 8C
07:38 CET: Cpt Cockinner:
Breakfast with the crew, morale is high. Ben Dover & Dick Hertz are excited about their programme feature starring Sponge Bob Squarepants and Patrick. German DJ Hans Downapantz seems a little out of place and rarely joins in with the banter on board. This could be purely down to his German Personality or lack of Grolsh he keeps complaining about. Put a request in to HQ for a shipment of 6 crates to see if that cheers the miserable sod up. Our new News Reader, Ringer, has settled in very well performing Queens 'I want to break free' on Ben Dover's Karaoke machine last night in the 'Urchin' Bar.
+++Inventory Requirements:+++
188 Cans of Red Stripe
6 Crates of Grolsh
74 Tins of Tescos Baked Beans
200 Bananas
300 Rashes of Danish Bacon
60 Tins of Processed Marrow Fat Peas
400 Aunt Bessies Yorkshire Puddings
120 Kg Beef
40 Frozen Chickens
1 Months Supply Various Vegatables
10,000 Benson & Hedges
300 Mild Hamlet Cigars
500 Maxi-Soft Toilet Rolls
100 60 watt lightbulbs (Keep blowing for some reason)
1 Box of 'Flying Saucers'
4 Spare output valves for transmitter
80 Bottles of Mr.Matey Bubble Bath
+++ENDS+++
11:00 CET: Cpt Cockinner:
Daily System Check
Nav systems - Off Line
Sonar - Serviceable
Reactor - Online, green.
Power System - Online, Green
Electro Engines - Green
Generators - Online, Green
Weapons Systems, Online - Green
Oxygen - Full, Clean & Green
Water (Drinking) - 87% Capacity
Radiation Levels (Public Areas) - Clean 0.05 R/hr
Radiation Levels (Reactor Room) - Normal 2.0 R/hr
Transmitter - Serviceable
The 'Urchin' Bar on board the MV Muff Diver
with Lt. Wrench posing at the bar
15:38: CET: Cpt Cockinner
It's Friday, POETS Day, so I'm off to the bar and handed control over to Lt.Wrench. TF the weekend is here.
18:07: CET: Lt. Wrench
Systems all OK.
23:46: CET: Lt. Wrench
Light bulbs blowing again in the Galley and Cabin access areas. Probably cheap light bulbs from Asda the cause. Have informed Cheif Engineer to investigate.
